Monday, May 27, 2013

~An Unpleasant Introduction ~

     Good evening my darling morsels, Kidna Styx here, mother of all monsters, but really just one mother of a monster.

     Its wonderful of you to visit, you are all so lovely I could just cut off your heads and suck the blood from your still beating hearts. But I know what your thinking. What is this fabulously monstrous goddess doing on Blogspot? Well I often ask myself the same thing. You see, the sad truth is, I'm broke.

     See, when the Christians came along all those thousands of years ago, the greco roman gods were put out of work. Of course Zeus and the major gods get to lounge about on Olympus for eternity. I however was forced into early retirement and my poor beastly babies we were straight laid off.

     Any-who, my monster making days are long behind me, turns out the surface world doesn't take drachma anymore, and my retirement has run out. Seems being immortal has its downfalls. So now I find myself looking for work, and what better job than terrifying the fluids out you delicious mortals.

     I am the great great grand ghoul of horror, of all that goes bump in the night and oh how they have spawned. Now we have everything from witches and zombies to vampires and ware wolves. Your welcome world.

     In this age of movie monsters and friendly fiends, I might just have a place yet. People line up and even pay for a good scare. Just like fish in a barrel. Isn't it marvelous? Thrill seekers you call yourselves, longing for chills up your spine, for your hairs to stand at end, for a fearful sweat on your brow. Well don't worry, you've come to the right place. My monstrous little darlings can't wait to meet you.

     I am Kidna Styx and I wish you unpleasant screams.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Rise Of The Zombies

     Todays festering flick is 'Rise Of The Zombie'

     Alright! Gore fest right off the bat. Who needs backstory when you can just mow down zombies in a suv rollin down lombard street SF, literally rolling.

     Wait, where did all the zombies come from anyway? Well good thing, French Stuart, of 'Third Rock From the Sun' is here to explain- sort of- with the help of a monkey named, Courtney.

     This B star cast keeps on comin with LaVar Burton of 'Reading Rainbow'- I mean Geordi Laforge from 'Start Trek,'

     And Danny Trejo of 'Machete.' 

     Plus many more familiar faces.

     It seems we have a group of survivors now living on Alcatraz, but even here they aren't safe from the shambling undead, and it dosn't take long for the zombie storm to come.

     Certainly no lack of action or zombified extras at this gore party.
     Now only a few peoples are left on Alkatraz island and they are fighting for a place on the next raft out. Of course not everyone can fit, so Geordi- I mean, Dr. Halpurn, is gonna stay behind in hopes of studying the undead to find a cure for all this zombie madness. 
     The others go on their merry way, but they aren't inhumane, they left the good doctor a bullet.

     More zombie killing action!

     They race to escapies, but oh no, aqua zombies! Luckily only a few are taken by the floating dead.
     Meanwhile back on Alcatraz, the doctor is attempting to communicate with and experiment upon his zombified girlfriend.

     Discord and animosity is brewing amongst the rafting party. 
     Oh no, watch out Machete, contortionist zombie is out to get you!

     Back to the doc, blah blah, scientific, blah- Lets try electricity!

     Ahh more zombies attacking our search parties! And who do they find in the back of an abandoned ambulance?
     Aww, isn't the little ankle biter cute? Oh no zombie baby!

     Blah blah, theological debates, blah.
     Doc's zombies? His test subject is starving, and he's the only fresh meat around... I'll save you the details on that one. 

     Like any good zombie movie, a majority of the begining cast is  being picked off, reasonably maimed, and forced to atempt surval of the undead holocaust.
     Will our heroes survive? 
     Will they succumb to the zombie plague? 
     Will they all loose the will to live and commit suicide? 
     Will french stuart reappear with vital plot information?

     Guess you'll have to watch to find out.

     Final fright: Zombie baby!

     Kudos up for successfully executing an excruciatingly exciting post outbreak zombie movie. All and all its your typical zombie movie, but the effects are gruesomely good, the action is undying, and the gore flows like a fine - congealed - zombie wine... Yeah. 
     A fun gore fest to put on in the background of a halloween party or crepy laboratory studdy session. As for actually siting down to a good movie? I might continue my search.

     Three clawas up

     Until next time, Unpleasant Screams,

     XX Kidna Styx

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

John Dies At The End

     Todays traumatizing tidbit is 'John Dies At The End.'
     He does? Well thanks for the spoiler, geez. This movie will have your brain reeling for some shred of sanity, but its a fun and chaotic ride full of crazy effect and unlikely turn of events.

     Any who, we start out, like any faithful tail, with a boy and his axe. Wait, I've heard this joke before, it goes like- how many axes, wait no, a man replaces the handle of an axe, no, may I axe you a question- 

     Ok I guess I'm just not going to get it. Oh well, Moving on.
      Ever watch a movie that makes you feel like your on drugs? Well eat your heart out because 'John Dies at the end' probably wont make much sense unless youve taken somehing you probebly shouldnt have, or you've watched it 10 + times. 
     If this somehow isn't your brand of crazy, you can always go watch Dude Where's My Car, Requiem For A Dream, any Kubrick movie, or perhaps Fraggle Rock.

     Anyway, Dave, our unlikely hero is talking to a journalist about his experiences with of a psychotic drug invetagation nature.

     Now we enter story mode where, Dave, leads us through the series of beizare events where he seems to be part of some black magic investigation duo with his buddy John- 

     Im sure every one is waiting for he shoe to drop on that one- 

     They set out to help a young girl with- something black magiky- 
     Oh no, theres a giant meat puppet! No, literally, its a giant man sized puppet made of meat. 

     Quick, lets reason with it.
     Luckily, Marconi a powerful magician, played by the Kurgan -  aka Clancy Brown is goanna help with the- meat thing. 

     Now its time for a musical interlude and a crazy creepy Jamaican dude predicting up a storm and readin peoples minds!
     Ok is anyone else following? No? Alright, just checking.

     Back to the story... I think. 
     Dave's buddy, John, needs help, because he's tripin all crazy on soy sauce- a drug, not the actual sauce. Now John is making crazy predictions and readin peoples minds, just like the Rastafarian!
     Confused by the syringe full of soy sauce dark matter stuff, Dave puts it in his pocket for later inspection.
     Crazy scary spider thingy!

     So, Dave rescues his friend John, but while talking to John, John calls him on the phone... Creepy.         
     Wait! Does John die here? No wait, he can't, because John dies at the end- Right?
     Dave needs to drive John to the hospital, but no, he forgot about the needle full of soy sause in his pocket, weird it should accidentally stab him. 
     Whats the lesson here? Don't stick needles in your pocket, kids.

     Now poor Dave is tripping balls. Look out, a scary thin man (Doug Jones of Pans Labyrith, Silver Surfer, Hellboy- and every other awesome monster creature thing you can think of) and his 
scary spider thing are suddenly in Dave's car, there to drop some more crazy Slender Man action on him. 

     Hang on, now the police have apprehended Dave for questioning.
     *Dun dun dun!!!*
     The police tell him that John is dead. 
     Oh, now John's dead. Wait, movies not over yet! This flick is jumping all over like 'Memento.'
     Crazy spider thing!

     Back to John dieing. Who does Dave get a call from? John. How can that be? 
     Again, *Dun Dun Dun*
     Dave dossent get it, and neither do I. Quick, flying mustache and a whole new meaning to arm wrestling!
     Will poor dave be able to figure out whats going on? 
     Will a giant eyeball entity take over the known world? 

     Will the audience go insane trying to follow whats happening? 
     Will Marconi straighten things out with the help of military grade explosives? 

    Will the world suddenly stop rotating and all its inhabitants go hurting off into space? 
    Will John really die?

     Guess youll have to watch to find out.
     Final fright: Crazy spider thingy!

      Excellent psychotic execution, humor, and mind numbingly scary creature things.
      Honestly, I call shenanigans on this whole movie, but if you enjoy film makers reaching out of the screen and into your mind to mess with your known universe, then I highly suggest this movie. 
      Or if your simply doing drugs- that might help.    

      Three claws up for 

     Until next time, Unpleasant Screams,
     XX Kidna Styx 

How To Be A Serial Killer

     Todays malcontent movie is 'How To Be A Serial Killer. The tital pretty much tells it all. Through out the movie we follow our lead through a documentary style step by step on how to get away with murder. Or try to anyway. This movie has a fun concept and I can't say I have seen another movie quite like it as it jumps back an forth between the killers how to tutorial and the real world. A very intersting watch if you, like me, often run out of stuff in your instant que.

     We start this maniacle tale with a documentary style sum up on what a serial killer is. Helpfull.

     Billy Mays here for how to be a Serial killer- Wait, are we in a seminar? Hold on, whats happening? Did we just step into a Neil Gaymen graphic novel? (Sand Man Vol.2,  I'll wait for you to look it up) 
     Billy Mays- I mean Mike Wilson wants to show you how to kill people, and a lot of them. 
     Enter your average unsatisfied video clerk - who some serial sickos might recognize from the show 'Numbers.' 

     Obviously this story takes place before all the video stores went extinct in leu of renting online. 
      Luckily Mike is in the right place at the right time to adopt this new protégé for his How to.

     Step One: Here, Mike encourages cheery fantasies of brutal murder with some very- porn-esque, music playing in the background. Awkward.

     Step two: Code of ethics... Ok sure why not.
     No children, no animals, no handicapped because apparently thats cheating... No stealing etc. Well I think Bundy would have something to say about that list (no not Al.) Not to mention Gacy, Freddy, Jason, Hanibal, good ol Jack, or- well pretty much any serial killer I've ever heard of. But alright we have set some ground rules. 

     Now we move onto tools of the trade. Are you a drowner or strangler? Its all very personal and unique to each killer, be creative. 

     Next? Keeping up appearances. Be the model partner. Just further confirmation for the ladies; if he seems to perfect, he's probably got a small family worth of bodies buried in the desert.
      Someone has been watching a lot of 'Dexter' I think. 

     We following our devils advocate style mentor who continues encouraging this budding young would be psychopath with his hand dandy how to multiple manslaughter tips.

     Will our young protege be able to kill at random? 
     Will trying to murder tail gaiters, bums, and rude customers or coworkers be too much for his delicate young sensibilities?
     Will his mentor start going off the deep end and begin breaking his own rules?
     Guess you have to watch and find out.

     Final Fright: Tidy up

     All and all I'd call this murderous tale disturbingly imaginative and fatally fun. An interesting watch with an ending you wouldnt wholy expect, but really arent all that surprised by either.

     Three claws up.

     Until next time, unpleasant screams

     XX Echidna Styx

Hansel and Gretel, 2013

     Todays tacky tale is a modern retelling of Hansel and Gretel. (No not the one staring Hawk Eye)
     This grousome gore fest, like so many other streight to dvd's with popular titals, had a good idea, lets mix 'Saw' with Grimm's Fairy Tales! Great idea! However with the holywwod 'Witch Hunters' version hot on there heels, they were in a bit of a rush, and sadly it shows. A for effort, D for execution. But we horor fans do enjoy us some mindless violence, so here we go!
     We start off with a chubby woman trying to escape a 'Hostel' like jail cell who seems to be taking cues from the school of how not to escape your captor

     After breaking several appendages, Spoiler Alert!, she is recaptured and made into an entrée.

     Leaving this lovely little luau, we find ourselves in a quaint little town in a quaint little candy store- named the gingerbread house- with a quaint little busty brunette named Gretel. 
     Gretel works at the Gingerbrea house for a witch- I mean woman (Dee Wallace of ET) who is famous for her meat pies, but she wont tell what kind of meat is in it... Ok Miss's Lovett.

     Enter Gretel's slacker video game playing brother - Hansel.
     Lets just skip over the unnecessary melodramatic father maying a younger woman scene, to the the kids lost in the woods- just outside their own neighborhood...
     Oh no look out for that, poorly placed bear trap! 

     Hansel's down already. But its ok, his sister apparently has super strength and tears it off. You'll be alright Hansol, Walk it off.
     From there our uncharismatic leads discover a house in the woods- Surprise!- its owned by Gretel's boss, the candy maker. 

     Lucky them?
     After imbibing some graciously given candies-

     Hansol wakes up in a dungeon with several other young twenty somethings who fed and generally terrorized by some hillbilly looking killer types who must have been set grips before the production realized they had forgotten to cast the non speaking murderers.

     In the meantime Gretel is the candy makers new forcefully adopted daughter who gets forcefully fed dinner while this erratic plot is focefully shoved down the audiences throat. 

     Cut to the father and young wife paceing around their lovely home in a not so stellar attempt to find find the lost kids. Likewise the local two man police department is on the case, lazily questioning residents on the whereabouts of our candy eating captives.
     Back at the mass murmur ranch, Hansel and Gretel are reunited in the dungeon where they attempt to escape, discovering creepy, after random, after just playing dumb, while their captive buddy tries to run and gets shot in the back with an arrow. But it's ok, he walks it off as though possessing wolverine like healing abilities         
     What a trooper. 

     Back in slaughter-world, Hansol's got a brilliant idea, lets escape through the oven which mysteriously leads to another room- 
     Oh no, one of the not so menacing killers had pumped the room full of gas which makes them hallucinate strange scenes of flesh eating, wire cutting, disembowelment. 
     Sure, why not. 

     Now that we've wasted several more minutes of film footage that has no effect on anything, the story continues.
     Will our young tortured tag-team find their way out? 
     Will they to become meat pies? 
     Will they succumb to their collective non relivant daddy issues?
     Final Fright: Walk it off.

     Over all, if you turn this into a drinking game where you drink every time something unlikely, convenient, or predictable happens, you should be in for a drunken night of confusion before the opening credits finish.   
     Two claws for getting this gory gagger made and managing to keep the boom mic out of the shot.

     Until next time, Unplesant Screams,

     XX Kidna Styx