Monday, June 24, 2013
Todays raunchy reel is Reanimator. Not enough t&a, blood, or violence in Frankenstein? Well look no further, this horrifying take on the classic concept of scienced up life after death brings you all that old fashioned literature could not fathom.
And we start off this frightning fable with a gory eyeball popping scene in the exotic local of Zurich Sweden. Eat your heart out Mary Shelly.
Our scientific lead, Dr West, is caught red handed pleading that he didn't kill his fellow scientist, he gave him life - Well not for long apparently. Might want to adjust that dosage of toxic sludge tehre buddy.
Back in the States we follow a strapping young doctor who is to meet our young Dr Frankenstein, I mean Dr West.
Well that guy is weird, lets meet our young doctors romantic counterpart. Aww nice hallway kiss - which quickly transitions to a sex scene. Oh 80s tan lines.
Now it appears that Mr West wants to be room mates with the young doc and he just loves that basement, apparently it is just the right amount of spooky.
Autopsy scalping scene! Get ready for some gruesome, gore hounds.
No now, Mr West, stop fighting with your teacher about brain life, don't be jealous because he rivals your own creepiness.
Cat zombie! Oh no! New roomie experimented on the cat- (Guess the cats out of the bag on that one.) What an awkward time to get a case of the mad scientist giggles crepeo.
Now West wants a friendly cohort and young doctor dude is getting all wrapped up in helping with his green cool-aid injecting human experimentations.
And the bodies just keep wracking up, but thats ok, now we have more subjects to experiment on! Administer secret of the ooze! Personally, I'm hoping for some teenage mutant ninja turtles.
Oh no they've been caught by the school board, time fore crazy story time with Dr West, but its ok, other creepy doctor is here to help. Creepy doctor show down!
Oh undead academic hijinks.
Whats worse than zombies? Brain surgeon zombies with an unfortunate crush on the lead female! Oh creepy horrible love.
Oh thank god, West is here (never thought I'd say that, but the 'head performing head scene- can't crub that off my brain no matter how many disney movies I watch.)
And mass zombie jamboree... Just get out of there security Dude, minimum wage ain't worth this madness.
Will Dr West become lord of the Zombies?
Will the young doctor be able to escape this zombie madhouse?
Will his girlfriend survive to be in the less popular sequel- Bride of Reanimator?
Final fright: Cat zombie!
I see why this particular crazy is a classic. No lack of blood violence, horrifying creativity, or nudity. All and all it was rediculously entertaining. A very well rounded 80's horror movie.
Three claws up.
Friday, June 14, 2013
For todays tawdry tale we are branching out beyond Netflix, but don't worry, I'm sure you can still pirate it online- not that I condone that sort of thing- ahem.
Were watching 'Warm Bodies' aka Zombie Twilight, aka Zombio and Juliet. Yay, another Zombie love story... Words I never thought would go together, but apparently there is a audience for it. This movie, although having its cheezy moments, was engaging and fun to watch. Just don't think your getting Shakespeare. - Ha
Two houses both alike in dignity, in fair- apocolyptica lol
We actually start out with a zombie. Our unlikely hero in fact, who like Mr Shakespeare, is monologuing up a storm. Apparently even zombies are prone inane insecurities like lack of motor functions, bad posture, and a general zombie like state. He is surprisingly eloquent, considering he's a shambling corpse. Interesting way of turning a monster with only simple base functions into a character your audience can identify with. Then again, Walmart employees have to have someone to look up to.
Being a zombie is depressing, even his zombie home base, aka zombie hoarders apocalypse addition, is only a creature comfort.
Our poor hero is bored out of his rotting mind, but he's got friends (Lou from hot tub time machine).
See zombies aren't so different, they like to do things us living folk do, mainly eat out!
Remember, safety in numbers all you undead kiddies.
Now, lets see how the living are doing hauled up in their barricaded base camp. Unfortunately, they are running low on supplies and must venture out into zombie ridden lands led by a pretty young blond named Julie.
One group looking for supplies, one for food. When the two clash I'm literally waiting for them to break out into a 'West Side Story' like showdown.
Common, that would be awesome right. *when your a zombie your a zombie all the way* ok maybe the syllables don't work, but I'd be amused.
And our young strapping zombie sets eyes on the fair Julie for the first time. Star crossed love connection? ...Ew
Any who, its noms time for zombie, and apparently eating peoples brains gives you the ability to see into the exciting world of twilight, where you can watch people lounging in fields while delivering incredibly booring back story.
Now our Zombie realizes he just ate his new crushes boyfriend. Bad news, shes not going to be happy about that, good news, shes single.
And the zombie vs human fight is over, but how do you get your friends not to eat your new girlfriend? Smear her with your blood and take her with you! Maybe she will learn to love you or some unlikely Stockholm syndrome like thing. She could possibly think your rotting incoherent bloodiness is cute...
Back on the deserted plain/ hoarding lair, our Zombie's gotta focus on not being creepy.
Man, why do monsters always wanna smell you and stare at you? Luckily our Zombie hero R has a better range of facial expressions than some sparkly vampires I could mention.
Quick, play some music. It's the great equalizer, even the damned loves them some Guns and Roses.
Oh the magic of Axel Rose. He was the key to this undead thing the whole time. Or perhaps its love... I'm going with Axel.
Oh no, Julie has escaped- I mean wandered off. Lest save her!
And back to the zombie human pseudo date full of awkward adorableness.
Now, Human girl Julie seems to be settling in. Que cutesy montage.
Ok Edward, stop watching her sleep.
Oh no, Julie escapes again! Quick, save the dumb blond!
And we leave the zombie city to an abandoned house for an awkward, sexual tension laden, sleepover. Oh no my clothes are wet, let me take them off.
Yay! Julie's gonna stay forever, and they'll be in love, and- oh she left again.
Will Julie forgive R for eating her boyfriend?
Will they both be obliterated by shambling senseless corpses that are so beyond the capacity for love that they must destroy it?
Will the humans kill our hero- again?
Will star cross love concur all- undead things?
Guess you will have to watch and find out.
Final fright: Zombio, oh Zombio, where for art thou Zombio-
Excellent soundtrack, great action, well executed. I highly recommend this movie, especially if you have a sense of humor. Or if your a dude who likes to watch romantic comedies but don't want to admit it. You can easily get a group of people to watch this under the guise of it being all about zombies. Then, to save face when they find out its a rom com, you can just say you thought it was something else. But secretly, you enjoyed it. Everybody wins.
Four claws up!
Until next time, unpleasant screams.
Todays devious delight is 'Insidious,' a tittle formerly on Netflix but should still be findable online. This movie had me up at night wondering if there were spooks watching me in the dark. If your going to watch this and your easily frightened, I might try watching this movie with the lights on. Or maybe try a different movie because it really dosen't help all that much.
To start this fearsome flick, we discover a darling child, perfectly asleep in his little bed. All is well, except for that spooky music playing. Oh hello scary shrouded face.
Enter tittle sequence... Eerie.
But then we go from eerie music, to none, except for random background noises, which is mind numbingly insane making. They're setting our teeth on edge already and nothing all that frightening has even happened yet.
I digress, lets get on with our happy home making family as they settle into their new home.
-And baby crying... really missing that background music right about now.
Getting up and getting the family ready in the morning truly is scary.
I like me some suspense, but man, this suspense really is killing me as they allude to a creepy attic in their new home. Will something sinister happen?
Oh hey music! Oh no its the creepy kind! Their son has woken up in a coma. Poor family. Que the touchy feely sappy music.
Well lets just skip over this little episode of general hospital to 3 months later.
They family has moved their son back into the house for home care.
But now they're hearing creepy voices over the baby monitor. Man that baby learned to talk fast, and has a delightfully baritone voice.
When mom goes to check it out, babes fine- still crying- *grimace*
Now everyone is hearing things, eerie footsteps, creaky doors, and every annoying noise on the planet at once! Good job sound effects house, come here that I might brain thee.
Oh, I spy a nice little chalk tribute to 'Saw,' do you see it?
Terrible things are afoot, well, thank goodness a single income teachers salary can afford them to just pick up and move at the drop of a hat.
Well at least thats all over. New place, new start... Or is it? Were seeing a spooky newsies child ghost amongst other assorted terrors.
Call an "Exorcist, or the 'Ghost Busters,' or a Madam Leota!- I mean Elyse (anyone else got something about Mary in their head suddenly?)
Lets find us some spooks! Well they certainly aren't disappointed, even Darth Maul seems to have stopped by for the party.
Que the seance scene! Complete with creepy gas mask head gear. 'Poltergeist' eat your heart out.
Will Elyse be able to fix their haunting problem?
Will they truly rid themselves of this 'Phantom Menace?' -Ha
Will this movie get a real soundtrack?"
Guess you'll have to watch and find out.
Final Fright: Darth Maul Demon
Spectacularly spooky, frightfully freaky, and jump out of your seat jolting. If you love shocking suspense movies, I highly recommend this one. If not, drink a lot of water so you can make excuses to go to the bathroom at the scary parts.
Four claws up.
Until next time, unpleasant screams,
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Todays titivating terror is 'Little Witches, aka we wish we were 'The Craft."
This film is all about good little school girls being seduced by the dark side, providing spoon fulls of pointless T&A. Well pointless if your not watching it for the T&A, which lets face it, you probably are. This film is full of run around plot lines and cheezy after effects, straight to DVD at its best.
Aaand we begin with half naked girls at a sacrificial- something. T&A off the bat. Yay! Now they're chanting in tongues so we don't understand a thing they're saying. Lucklily no one watching this is paying attention to what they have to say anyway.
Blood sacrifice! Oh no, they've summoned a horny demon- I mean horned demon.
They didn't have the effects budget to show him, but I'd like to imagine he looked something like this-
Theres much screaming and somehow they manage to banish the demon. Yay!
Jump to school girls doing inane schoolgirl like things, complete with bitchyness and dietary issues.
Surprise they're not just school girls, they're catholic school girls, which means repressed daddy issues. Woo, get this party started.
On to the whiny confessional booth scenes featuring all your favorite stereotypes including; the cubby girl, the shy one, the hussy, the token black chick, and the awkward maybe lesbian.
Boring boring, church, boring. Enter, not Fairuza Balk, slutting up to the poor confessional preacher. And we have nip sighting only 10 minutes into the movie.
Cut to, loitering outside the church. Can my heart stand the excitement? Here they run into random hot shirtless construction guy. Who needs a shirt when you have rock hard abs... not leaving the ladies out of this flesh fest I see.
Surprise, the construction worker actually had a purpose, he's knocked a hole in some rather unconvincing masonry. Whats this? A tunnel that leads beneath the church. The hell you say. What could possibly down there?
*Dun dun dun*
Back to not Fairuza trying to get 'Shy Girl' to loosen up- in all meanings of the word- by striping for the enjoyment of whomever is walking outside her friends window; construction workers, church officials, stray dogs.
The next night, the girls head over to the local convent to deliver meals. Like you do.
Oh hello shirtless guy, what are you doing here? We almost didn't recognize you with your shirt on.
Skip to the slumber party scene! I think I see some lesbian school girl action coming up.
Psych! Lets do our all female Scooby Doo review and check out that weird tunnel under the church.
Oh my, someones coming, its old creepy androgynous nun. Run!
Ok were safe. Go go gadget Latin reading. Good thing we teeny boppers know how to do that.
Now lets get drunk on the church equivalent of box wine and create some lesbian cult magic- I mean sister illuminate' rituals. All hail, lets get nakey.
Spooky, the archaic ritual book book speaks of the a horned demon. Lets complete the spell to summon him for no good reason at all.
Blah blah, books, blah blah, magic stuff gathering montage! Were summoning the horned demon aka 'he who comes'... yeah not touching that one.
Oh oh, looks like the girls are getting their deamon possesion on!
Will shy girl be able to talk sense into her friends?
Will shirtless guy fall prey to slutty catholic school girl demon summoners?
Will androgynous nun pull out her 'I kick ass for The Lord' act?
Or perhaps bring forth some 'Poltergeist' action? *wink*
Will slutty mc sluttrerson truly achieve Fairuza Balk status?
Will he who comes.... come? Guess you'll have to find out for yourself.
Final fright: Horny demon
This movie is moderately acted, executed, and has a random plot that I change even the most hardened ADD personality to recreate. However, not Fairuza has one smoking bod. So take that for what its worth viewers.
Three claws up.
Until next time, unpleasant screams,